Most of us know how to take care of others whether our children, parents, partners or friends. Do we know how to take care of ourselves? When I ask clients, I often get some stuttering and sputtering. “Well, I plan to do _____ but haven’t gotten around to it.”
What is Self-Care
Part of the sputtering is more the vagueness of the word self-care. What does that even mean? Is self-care how we take care of our health? Or is it about mental well being? Or is it about relationships with others? Is it about our finances?
As a clinician, I think of self-care as prioritizing your own physical health and mental well being and acting on those priorities.
Physical Health Considered
Self-care in this area is to focus in on how we are feeling in our bodies. Physical well being starts with how we are eating. Are we eating healthy foods and avoiding junk food or processed foods or surgery foods? It includes the amount of movement that we are getting from walking to other forms of exercise. Are we getting outside and spending some time in nature and in the sunshine?
Self-care for physical health isn’t about a diet plan. It is more about what we eat instead of restricting our foods for a goal of losing weight. This is where we ask ourselves if we are stress or emotional eating junk food to “feel better” instead of eating food that will actually help us to feel better and maintain our health.
When we are under stress we engage our central nervous system or the fight-flight system. Part of the reason we tend to want foods high in calories after stressful situations is how our body in caveman days replenished the fat stores that we used to outrun a saber toothed tiger or other predators. Not particularly helpful now that our stress usually comes for psychological realms such as getting laid off or challenges within a relationship.
Mental Well Being
Basically mental well being is both the health of our thinking and the resulting health of our emotions. The indications that we aren’t in a great mental space could be statements like: on edge, stressed out, feeling burnt out, tired and overwhelmed. Maybe we have jobs that hardly make ends meet or juggling jobs and then we think, “this is too much” or “I will never break out of this struggle.” Or difficulties in a relationship and believe that our partner may “abandon us” or “betray our trust”.
So often I have seen the focus be on the difficult job or relationship problems. The problem is it puts the pressure on the individual to fix a system that we may not be able to address. In other words, we often focus on fixing the things outside of our control. When we think about how we are perceiving the situation we are focusing on those things that we can influence. When we examine our thinking and make some perceptual changes, that is addressing our mental health well being.
When it comes to our thinking, I have many blogs and courses on emotions and thinking. Free Course on Emotions 101, Mini Workshop On Where Our Emotions Come From, as well as several articles in my blog on emotions.
Intersection of mental and physical well being
It is really impractical to think of physical and mental as some how separate. If we are anxious, that is felt in the body as physical sensations or fast heartbeat, breath, stomach ache, sweaty palms, etc. We may have different sensations but the bottom line is emotions are sensations in the body. Those sensations originate in our brain but are experienced in our bodies.
For example, Beth had a long day and finally got into bed. She opened Facebook and was scrolling through friends and family posts and soon was reading about the fear of cuts to Medicaid. She and her children use Medicaid. She started thinking about what could happen if the kids lose their health care. She began to worry what that would mean if the kids got sick. Then she noticed that her heart rate was elevated, she was a little sick at her stomach and she was breathing a little more quickly and she wanted to get up and move. She was no longer relaxed and ready for bed, but tense and struggled to fall asleep once she put her phone down.
The thoughts of anxiety started in her head (what will happen to my kids or me if I can’t take them to the doctor?) and then was felt in her body. There really isn’t any separating the two. We have to take care of both. Beth may decide that right before bed is a good time to read a book, listen to calming music, meditate, thumb through a magazine, basically any activity that evokes calmness to prepare for sleep. Worrying about sick kids losing health insurance doesn’t lead to restful night’s sleep.
Self Care isn’t the Same as Being Selfish
A study by Birchbox in 2019 found that most people think that some time spent on self-care is good and 40 minutes a day has significant boosts to confidence and stress reduction. But then less than half of those surveyed get 40 minutes a day for self-care. Parents tend to feel that they have the least amount of time with moms feeling more time pressure than dads. Dads tend to engage with self care more than moms.
We also seem to disagree on what self care is with 6% of the population prioritizing health as part of self care. Most of those surveyed focused on spa like treatments as self care. Single people are more likely than people living with a partner to engage in self care.
Socially we may think that we have to put other people ahead of us. Parents taking are of children. Partners spending time together. There isn’t anything wrong with that. The issue is that when we see caring for others as our priority we often don’t do those things to take care of ourselves. It is like pouring out of an empty pitcher.
Care for Self is Caring for Others
If we don’t refill the pitcher, we won’t have anything to fill the cups of others. This can look like snapping at our kids or each other. Being irritated about the smallest of infractions and then later having guilt thoughts about our behavior. This isn’t helpful for us or those we are caring for.
This can lead into a destructive cycle. We start with the dedication that I must be a perfect parent for example. Then we work very hard to be patient no matter what even if it seems like we are working with little creatures that can change moods in seconds and have endless batteries. Then if we begin to lose our patience and snap at them, we may begin to have thoughts that “I’m blowing it!” or “Bad parent.”
Guilt is that thought that reminds us that we aren’t doing what we intended. However it can be very harmful. Now we are stressed from our time with the little humans and guilt ridden from our guilty thinking. That is the opposite mindset and beliefs that will help us be patient. To be patient requires calmness and agitated thinking is the opposite of calmness. Now we are MORE likely to snap and lose patience, have more guilt ridden thinking and more self condemnation of our parenting skills.
When we take care of ourselves we are helping ourselves to reduce the tension. Reduced tensions mean we are more likely to be able to care for others. When we change our mindset to see that we aren’t being selfish but instead when we take care of ourselves we are in a much better place to take care of others.
Not a One-Size Fits All
When I ask my clients what they do for self care I will get as many different answers as those I ask. It isn’t a one size fits all. At the core, a self care routine is two-fold – a mental mindset and a routine.
Mindset
Mindset is about understanding that self-care is important. It isn’t being selfish, but the opposite. We are more present when we take care of ourselves and therefore more able to care for others.
The first step if you aren’t doing self-care, is to ask yourself what do I believe about self-care? Do I think self care is selfish? Do I think that I don’t have time? That it is impractical? Maybe for others but not for me? That self-care is expensive?
A note about cost: The Birchbox study found that most people believed that self-care was spa-like activities. It can be, but it doesn’t have to be. It can be expensive to go to a spa or to create spa environments at home. Good news is that self-care doesn’t have to be a pampering experience.
Once we discover what those negative beliefs are about self-care, then we can begin to address, dispute and change those beliefs. If it about cost, then happy news, there are tons of self-care activities that are free. For example, going outside at lunch and getting a dose of vitamin D is free for most of us. Reading books from the library also free and many libraries have ebooks so you don’t have to go into the building if time is a problem.
If it is about time, that can be a bit trickier. We have to examine how we are spending our 24 hours per day that everyone has. For a time I commuted about an hour each way to and from work. That may not seem to be the best time for self-care but I made that time about unwinding from work and combined a love of reading with my commute by listening to audio books. My public library was fantastic at keeping me supplied. I was able to not start work until I got to work and unwind after work because I was enjoying the stories.
If I think it is impractical or not for me, then maybe it is about your definition of self-care. Most of us would love a vacation at the beach or in the mountains, while nice may not be attainable. Activities or routines that are daily are far superior to one big event once a year. Self care is less about what kind of activity and more about taking the time to do something that evokes calmness for the mind and body. Practical activities can be engaging in a hobby, going outside, taking a walk, exercise, attend a community class for (fill in the blank). Community colleges often have many classes for adults and local libraries and museums have things for kids to do.
Habits – The Science Behind Building Habits
As a kid I remember some cereal commercial about eating their product for 30 days to create a new healthy habit. That sounds nice but anyone who has tried to create a new habit knows, 30 days isn’t some magical number.
Researchers at MIT
The model that I use and promote was developed by researchers at MIT. Their research found that it often takes 66 to 254 days before a new habit is completely learned and integrated into our lives. So much for 21 or 30 days to a new you. Be ready to take some time. That said, if we enjoy the new self care activities it won’t be a chore to invest the time. If you don’t enjoy that time spent then back to the drawing board.
Parts of the Habit Formation
When considering creating a new habit for self care (or any new habit) we have to look at our cues, routines and rewards.
Cue
A cue is anything that reminds us to do the activity. For me getting into my car was the cue that now is the time to listen to a good book. Cues can be a time, date or reminders from phone alarms to the gym bag by the door. Let’s say that you new habit you want to start is walking in the morning before heading to work. A cue could be the walking shoes in a bag next to your purse or a text or alarm from your walking partner.
Routine
Routine is about the how of engaging in the new habit. If you want to walk before work, what is required to do that? Do you need the walking shoes to take or a change of clothes or move about your morning schedule in order to have the time to do the walk?
Creating the routine is about the plan. Answering how am I going to integrate this new thing into my life. Maybe we want to take in some sunshine during a lunch break. What will I have to change about my current lunch hour to work in some sun time?
Reward
This is the “attaboy” for doing the activity. This can be a chemical release from the activity itself. Exercise often has a chemical release of endorphins and that feels pleasant. Self care habits will be a reward in itself as it is about inducing calmness or relaxation. However to get started, sometime it can be helpful to have an external reward.
You can reward yourself for sticking to a self care ritual or plan. Let’s say that you walk all week during lunch as a self care activity. On Saturday you can give yourself something to celebrate or reward that you stuck to your plan and made yourself a priority every day that week.
A few considerations in choosing the reward. It is best to avoid using food as a reward. We have a lot of food rewards in our social environment such as parties with food for celebrations so it is acceptable. However food rewards can inadvertently create some other issues. Also rewards must be rewarding. I may enjoy yard work but I wouldn’t see it as a reward. Keep the rewards healthy or line with your self care goals. In other words if you are doing something healthy and your reward is something unhealthy then that is counter productive.
One caution is not to make self care a reward for another habit you are trying to make. Say that you are trying to stick to a new diet and your reward is contingent on sticking to your diet that day. That means if you cheated then no treat. If self care is that treat or reward then you are stealing from yourself. You will do the most good for yourself to have a self care ritual that isn’t contingent on other activities.
Our not-so-healthy habits conform to this loop. For example someone who smokes or capes. They are at work and a coworker stops by their cubicle and shakes a pack of cigarettes. That is a cue. Then the smoker grabs their own pack, maybe a drink, etc and heads out of the office during break time which is the routine and finally the social interactions and the chemical of the cigarette (vape pen) are the rewards.
Drugs and Alcohol – I have had some of clients tell me that their self care is to drink or use drugs recreationally. The problem is that drugs aren’t often congruent with calming the mind or the body and do come with the risk of dependence and health issues. I’m not saying that you cannot partake so to speak. I’m suggesting that for a self care routine, drugs and alcohol don’t make the best choices. Much like using food as a reward, drugs can lead to more problems. When clients develop healthier self care habits, they report to me that it is far more beneficial than the drugs were.
Bringing your plan into reality
Now that you have examined your negative beliefs and changed them around self care and have evaluated what would be good self care choices for you, it’s time to make a clear plan.
Parts of the plan:
- Activity
- Cues
- Routines
- Rewards
Activity is what you are going to do in a clear positive statement in the present tense.
Not a good statement – I will not eat sweets anymore
The problem with this
- Stated in negative – we aren’t really designed to not do something and struggle to imagine not doing something.
- Future statement – “will” is a word that means in the future. Statements in the present are acted on whereas future “will” statements lack the “when”.
- Lacks the self care aspect
A good statement – Every evening once the kids are in bed, I’m going to work on my model cars for 30 minutes.
This is phrased in the positive, present tense and clear in what the author is going to do. For this person, working on model cars is their “happy place.”
Cues – What reminders will you need to put into place to remind you to focus on yourself and your self-care? Do you want to set a phone alarm? Calendar reminder? Note on the fridge? Gym bag by the front door? What will work to be consistent and persistent in letting you know, “now is the time for self care”?
A reminder for the statement of a goal above could be: Putting the kids to bed by 8:00 pm. Once the story is finished and lights out, then it is time for me to start my modeling.
Routines – Even before you step foot into the gym, it is helpful to have a plan in place about your routines. The routines are basically how you are going to do your elf care and in the planning stage it is important to figure out all that you need to do to prepare for the activity if there is preparation is needed.
For the model example, our parent may have to reclaim some space in order to devote to modeling and then set the space up so that they can get out what they need and put it up at the end leaving the area child proof and neat. So even before the first evening they sit down to work on the model, they have work to do. Maybe they need supplies, paints, set up a workspace.
Note: if you self care activity is going to be costly or require room you don’t have in the moment, think of other cheaper or free activities so that you are doing some self care vs waiting for the money or the space.
Rewards – What kind of reward do you want to give yourself for sticking to your self care routine? As mentioned before the activity itself could be a reward. But you can also reward yourself for sticking to the activity independently from the reward of the activity itself.
For the model example, the reward could be the relaxation from working on the model. A reward for sticking to the nightly routine could be something like, “every two weeks when I stick to the nightly routine, I will buy a new model” or go to the miniatures museum or after creating so many models will join a model car show.
Your Turn
Now it’s your turn to write/think/record out your self care plan. If you are struggling with what to do, a quick internet search of “self care ideas” will provide lots of ideas. Remember in choosing what you want to do it’s helpful to be something that you like to do so you will stick to it. Use the steps of : activity or creating your goal statement, identifying your cues, planning out how to implement your routines and identify what your rewards will be. Keep your plan simple. It is a guide to help you get a smooth start. Last note, set a date to start and make it as close to the present moment as your plan will permit. Remember if not now, then when? The benefits only happen when you do self care and not just plan it.
Next Steps
Want to explore further other options to reduce anxiety or stress?
- Want to learn how to use your breath to take a break? For a blog on Stopping Stress or Anxiety is a Breath Away
- How aware are you? In this free course you can explore awareness and tips and tricks to improve awareness. That along with a breathing practice can be quite beneficial.
- In this course – How To Stop Anxiety with Grounding, learn effective and personalize grounding techniques that in themselves can be self care.
- Struggle with anxiety and would like to learn how to resolve the underlying causes for you? In this Therapy without a Therapist course, you can learn just that.